Hello

I want to share my story.
I share it as a story below.
I also share it as a poem below the initial below.
Feel free to read both, either or neither.
Above all please feel free to enjoy every moment of doing whatever it is you want to do.

Story

A year ago I lived a fairly conventional life:
I am renting a room in London, I have a partner, I am working six days a week, I feel happy with isolated and trapped, Perhaps you can relate.
During a process of denial, my body begins to shut down, I nearly have a nervous breakdown, lose alot of weight through stress and a week long bout of Dhiaorrea, I feel mostly isolated and trapped. Perhaps you can relate.
In no particular order I quit my job, work freelance for a while, experience burnout back at my Mum and Dads house, leave my partner, spend all my savings on a Motor Home called Millie and drive to Spain, Perhaps you can relate?

After a magical six months living with alternative communities across Spain, engaging with a journey of self discovery, Letting go of old cyclical habits and embracing myself as I am, I feel wonderful. I decide in a moment of wonder to give the van away and begin walking. I dream of walking with nothing but a backpack for a long time, only now do I feel the courage to do it.

I pack a bag and walk into a mountain range called La Sierra Luja also known as La Sierra de Africa. I walk on my own in the mountains for 6 days, I lose all of my posessions during the decent. I arrive back in "civilization" with the clothes on my back, my mobile phone (flat battery), a few crystals, tea tree oil and nothing else. I am helped by so many beautiful human beings! A Homeless man gifts me warm clothes, young guys smoking weed in a stairwell gift me blankets and a place to sleep, Social services break the law to give me money to get to the nearest big town. I travel penniless across the Spanish Coast and receive endless gifts of generosity as mentioned above, all that I want appears infront of me just when I want it. I learn, create and remember the following understanding; if I want to suffer and be without what I want its perfectly possible. If I want to be surrounded by what I want, then I can.

I then travel back to Millie with a beautiful human being called Oda, I want to say thankyou to you personally Oda: You, amongst many, have been a beautiful influence in my life, protecting, caring and accepting me as I am and enjoying the process. With Love and Gratitude I say thankyou.

After a short visit to London to be with Family I am now back in Spain. Millie the motorhome has very generously been gifted back to me, she apparently felt too much like responsibility. Oda, Millie and I are currently preparing a journey towards Greece.

Poem

A corrupted desire always manifests corruptly.
This is the world we are living in.
Corrupted desires, desired by the many.
Now I want something different 
That's what I want, what I'm making, what I've made,
I want this paradise to be shared.
Love is everything.
 I and all creatures are capable of miracles, of acts of Love.
 Love expands exponentially when shared.  
I learn through doing and as each flowers blooming 
Its brothers and sisters they wish to bloom too.
To listen to my own wants is generous without measure. 
To communicate clearly what we want is loving without measure. 
To be different is beautiful, We are all unique without measure.
To Love and be Loved for who we are is powerful beyond measure,
We can receive and gift this power to self and to others.
Whatever I want is here when I want it,
I want to be a unification of body, heart, soul and mind. 
A being whose feelings, intuitions, thoughts, words and deeds,
Are balanced, in harmony, flowing and free.
I am You, You are Me, We are, when we want to be.
Every piece of advice I give to another I am also giving to myself. 
Any loving gesture to self is also a loving gesture to everyone else.
And in every gesture lies an act of creation.

The time is here to re conceptualise our reality 
To allow a free and loving humanity to be as it wants to be.

I want to thank this online community for your continued support. The Love I have received via this blog has been magical, inspirational and transformative. It frightens me to share my feelings in such a public forum, your words of support have given me the courage to continue doing so.

This is the last blog in this series and I leave you with a wondering.
I want to live in a world where I feel comfortable to be who I am. I understand that many are in a situation where this does not feel possible. Perhaps you can relate.
I understand that many don't want to be comfortable and loved. Perhaps you can relate.
I also understand that everything is a choice. That saying out loud what we really want is the same thing as taking the first step towards finding it. All we have to do is want something. Perhaps we can relate.

With Love, I wish you all that you want.

Love

Where is the love? its all around us, it´s in the breeze, the trees, in between our knees. It´s waiting to be found. Not to be looked for but to be found.

I am heading out on foot through the valleys and the trees leaving Millie behind me. I have given the van to an Israeli woman and her son and they will be driving it to Italy where I will meet them. I have never felt free-er in my life.

Before you read any further I just want to add any of the following or preceding feelings that you may read are mine. I in no way profess them to be true or in any way factual for anybody but myself. They are merely my feelings at this point in my life. Please enjoy them at a distance and take from them what you will.

It´s strange, last blog I spoke of this phrase "I have everything that I need" and that I was about to put it into practice. I have news to report. I have everything that I need. All we need is here for us. All the time. Whenever we need. I feel this next statement to be true; the moment we love ourselves, all is possible. Easier said than done I´d say but then I would say cause I am in the heart of a lifelong process of understanding these words. And I´m making some beautiful mistakes! It´s so beautiful. In a way its completely impossible, how can we ever really make a mistake because as soon as something takes us away from Love and from what we really enjoy then it also iluminates what we do love. I feel sometimes we need to live an eternity of what we don´t need just to bring us round to see and feel and trust what we do. And i don´t mean in terms of deep and meaningful lifechanging necessities I mean the simple day to day.

I was at a "spiritual talk" two days ago. What an absurd name for a talk, I love it´s ridiculousness, when is a talk not a spiritual talk, asking for milk is a spiritual talk, how can an action not be spiritual. We are all balls of energy, all manifestations of this mystical creation we refer to as spirit, how can we be anything but spiritual, to shit is as spiritual as meditation. Within this spiritual talk there was alot of reference to acceptance, to love, to searching deep within for that place where fear and anxiety cannot go. I agree with all of these and I loved that somebody was creating a space where people could come together and discuss these issues. I wondered why we weren´t also talking about diet. About sleep. About cleanliness and our day to day habits. I love "spiritual talks" don´t get me wrong, a little bit of self investigation and emotional masturbation are great at times but I feel at this particular talk something was missing. Life does not just consist of meditation and visualisation, we must all exist in the material world whether we like it or not and even with that we have a choice. If we choose to stay we have another choice to make, whether to learn how to function in the most loving way for ourselves or whether to try and function in the river of everyone elses disfunction.

At this current moment in time I feel blessed. Because I have lived a life that has led me to being able to create a world that is full of Love. Bringing together a really healthy day to day habit that honours all that I need. The fact that I as a person like to be clean and well fed. I am understanding more and more the foods I enjoy and what my body needs and I feel so much calmer for it. For this calmness I also feel more capable of listening to my heart and what it needs, when I need space for myself when I need the company of others. Learning to give myself an abundance of all whenever I need it. I can easily forget sometimes that abundance can be a piece of bread, a nap, an apple, a conversation, a mountain as easily as it can be a full day of manual labour. It´s whatever I feel it to be. The joy of being able to hear my mind, my heart, my soul my body and allow them to flow together and work with each other when they need and take space from each other when they don´t.

I am about to do something that I never thought possible. I am about to walk off into the unknown with nothing but a rucksack and an open heart. And here is the beauty. I know with every ounce of my being, even my little toes the most doubt filled of extremities, that everything I need will be brought to me as and when I need. I am full of love and always will be.

Why does love exist? Because we have this little part of our back that we just can´t reach.

Happy New Year

Hello all,

Much love, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  I hope it has been a beautifully festive festive period.

I have been living in a hippy commune for 3 weeks now and can quite safely say I am a fully fledged hippy. I'm living off a diet of raw food and hallucinogenics, having endless unprotected sex with as many people as possible and I haven't washed my hands in four weeks. So far its going quite well but pooing outside is going to take a little getting used to.

Amidst all of this connection with nature, becoming one with myself and animals I was bitten by a feral cat. It was quite a wonderful experience on the whole. I was on the drive from Orgiva to Malaga to collect my Sister, I was completely lost, again. I eventually asked a stranger where a good place to sleep was and he lead me to a small beach that had been squatted for the past five years. It's 30m long enclosed on both sides by rockface and from behind by Bamboo. The bamboo was so thick that people had cut and bent a house in the middle of it. I had been hoping for a solitary evening on a beach for so long and I stumbled across the quietest and most beautiful squatted beach. I swam in the sea, meditated in the sun and began speaking with some of the beautiful people who lived there. All was going well until a young woman I was speaking with said the following statement pointing at the sea.

"Is that a goat?"

I looked out to the sea and saw what looked like a large black log rolling around helplessly in the waves about forty metres out. I thought this woman must be on the raw food/hallucinogenic diet, until out of the water rolled a tail. I was blessed with a wonderful moment where there was no indecision, no thought and before I knew it I was naked swimming towards a drowning cat. I picked it up out of the water with my right hand and began to swim it back to shore. I learnt three things that day. One; A frightened animal on the brink of death is a dangerous animal. Two; never pick up a drowning cat from underneath where it can reach your hand with its mouth. Three; if an animal bites you while you are in the middle of the sea don't try to shake it off because it simply bites down harder. It bit me twice. It hurt and bled alot. The hippies gave me warm clothes, a tin of fish and a warm fire by which to rest my bones. They seemed so calm and generous that when it turned out they were heading back to the same village I had just driven from I offered them a lift. That night I slept in the open air, sea lapping at my feet, an endlessly starry vista above me and a wonderfully warm feeling within me. I woke up the next day and the three hippies I had offered a lift to had transformed into six, the majority of which were drunk, toothless and wonderfully rowdy. We set off early to pick up my sister from Malaga airport. I can only imagine her face when instead of being greeted by me, her brother, a face she loved and recognised. She was greeted by six drunkards walking aimlessly around Malaga airport holding cardboard signs screaming "Katy!!!" at the tops of their voices. Was a beautiful journey home.

I am loving my life at the moment. I am waking up each day and learning afresh how I have to live to be content. I am doing alot of Dancing, Yoga, Tai-Chi, we are all working together to build a house for one of the guys that lives with us and I am making so much art. So many ideas, so many stories, poems pouring out of me. It is also becoming so much clearer when it is time to try and do stuff and be around people and when it's time to go and lie down with a blanket over my face. Something I've never really been able to do before, I normally just get over-excited and keep going until I collapse but here I'm finding a much more sustainable rhythm. It's a great relief.

There is only one more thing to share. I have nearly run out of money. It's interesting. Normally I would be worrying and stressing for a solution to this apparent problem. But i am so inspired by everybody I have met on this journey who simply trust that money will look after itself. I find myself strangely calm. I am going to throw myself into pennylessness and trust that all my needs will be met. I will let you know how it goes, hopefully the next blog won't be a call out for the relief fund.

Thank you for the wonderful feedback for the first chapter of Katius. I was anxious about sharing it but the feedback has been beautiful and really humbling. Thank you. There has been a delay in the building of the website so you will have to wait for the next chapter but I promise you it's on the way.

I wish you all much love and hope life is bringing you all that you need. And mum don't worry I was only joking I am eating lots of hot food, steering clear of free love and hallucinogenics and I am washing my hands very regularly.