"I just can't do it any more, everyone wants to do everything so fast, nobody looks each other in the eye."
"I know"
"It's just not healthy, getting that tube every morning is horrible"
"I never get the tube at rush hour"
"I have to, its like condensed stress"
"I know. So what are you going to do about it?"
"What?"
"Well its easy to complain about, but what are you actually going to do about it? What can any of us do about it?"
"I don't know"
"Not even an idea?'
"Not a clue"
"Hmm"
About
six months ago the above conversation appeared in my life repeatedly.
Differing depending on how good a mood I or the person on the receiving
end was in and whether we were drinking wine or tea. I became so
obsessed with this lack of eye contact that friends started avoiding me
for fear of being propelled into a deep and meaningful conversation on
their tea break. In my short 25 years as a human being I have had many
jobs ranging from painter decorator to a receptionist, from a
waiter/barman to theatre maker/circus artist. I have been blessed to
have had a glimpse of many different worlds, many different ways of
being and many different cultures. This kaleidoscope of realities is a
big part of what has propelled me into this next chapter of my life:
I
have quit my job and spent all of my savings on an old motorhome called
Millie and I am currently in Paris on the first leg of my world tour.
With such a huge change, one of the few constants in my life are these
three words. "I don't know".
"Why a motor home?"
"I don't know"
"Where are you going to go?"
"I'm going to start in the South of Spain, after that I don't know"
"How are you going to make money?"
"Great question"
"How long are you going for?"
"I think a few years but I don't know"
"Why are you leaving in winter?"
"I don't know"
"What
is going to happen when you have been on the road for a long time,
haven't found a soul to speak to, you've run out of money, you're
wishing you could go home but any hope of contacting help seems lost,
you're eating your last tin of baked beans cold out of the tin and you're
water tank is running low?"
"Can I get back to you?"
So
many unknowns, so much to be discovered. The truth is I am hugely
excited and at the same time equally anxious. Because of course these
questions that everyone keeps asking are wonderful questions. How will I
earn enough to feed myself and Millie my Motorhome? Will I survive the
cold long enough to reach the south of Spain? Will I drive for two hours
and suddenly realise I hate living in a motor home? Why leave security
in a time of such economic fragility to live in a van? I could answer
all of these questions wonderfully but the truth is that I don't know.
A
few years ago that would have been enough to keep me at home in the
security of a weekly wage. However the time has come for change. I feel
ready now to strike out and create my own path, listening and learning
from those that I meet yet forging my own way of living that fulfils
and enriches. I have tried for a long time to live fulfilling the needs
of others and breathing the rewards this brings but I missed something. I
forgot to fill myself along the way. Constantly giving outwards and
only remembering to water my own roots once I was starving. Time for
change is definitely afoot. I have so many people that have helped me
get here, to a place where I now own a motorhome, laptop, unicycle and
not much else. And I am filled with gratitude for everyone that took
part in helping me get here, 'cause it is the people in my world that
have left me with the courage to step out into the unknown. To step
forward countless questions still unanswered, with the knowledge that
somehow everything will be alright. And for this privilege I am
endlessly grateful.
I am looking forward to being blown
in the right direction, to being blown closer to understanding those
three words "I don't know". Not necessarily closer to knowing the
answers to questions people ask, I'm not looking for a way to avoid saying them. If
anything I'd love to find a way of being able to say them more often.
But before I finish I need to ask for your help. I will be looking for sites
of outstanding natural beauty and communities that are developing ways
of being that are based on generosity, love, acceptance and equality. If the two are together even better. If
anybody has any recommendations as to where I should begin please share
them. I'm heading from Bristol to Cornwall and then the South of Spain
via France. Beyond that who knows. I hope this blog, this documentation of what I find, can be
as much a dialogue as possible. If you have any thoughts, questions or
suggestions as to where I should go or how I should improve the blog
then please leave feedback, it's more than welcome.
